Checking Out is For the Grocery Store Not Your Life

Shit happens. It’s inevitable. 

So is failure, as long as you are swinging for the fences.

If you aren’t failing, you are playing a small game and trying too hard to be perfect.

Perfection is an illusion. A mirage. Something impossible to reach. 

When you are trying to be perfect you are trying to fit inside some box that you’ve created for yourself or think others have created for you.

Perfectionism keeps us from taking risks. 

No matter what, the only way to change the results—in business or life—is to take action. Not just any action, but BIG BOLD actions that defy convention. The kind of actions that SUPER(S)HEROS take when they throw all caution to the wind to get the villain and save the day.

Taking risks is a breeding ground for failure because you have no idea how things will actually turn out.

Bold Action = Risk = Potential Failure.

Vicious cycle, I know, but there’s no way around it. 

Do you want to change? Do you want different results? 

You’ve gotta be willing to fail. 

The good news: you can learn to fail spectacularly. 

And in learning to fail spectacularly, the thing you just effed up won’t feel like Armageddon.

Instead, it’s just gonna feel like growth. A growing pain. Something survivable even if it stings, hurts, or temporarily suspends your movement for a little while. But not like a meteor is about to wipe out the earth and all of existence.  

There are six things you need to know, and the first one is here but the second one is this:

Do not - under any circumstances - go numb. Do not check out.

Checking out is what you do when your place in line at the grocery store comes up, and you throw the box of tampons, a cup of Ramen noodles, and a pint of ice cream for your “Pajama Saturday Night” on the conveyor belt. 

Checking out is not for Boss Ladies.

Checking out is for wimps, cowards, and quitters.  

Checking out in life might look like resorting to a few too many martinis, taking a hit or two of that cannabis that is now legal in your state—anything to overcome a particular challenge you’re facing and don’t want to deal with. 

It might look like frequent shopping trips or spend-binging because maybe, just maybe, those five J-Crew Sweatshirts, or that new pair of Mulatto stilettos, or that Gucci handbag, will make you feel better.

(By the way: do not take fashion advice from me. but I’m pretty sure anything J. Crew is not meant to be worn with stilettos, and if you’re wearing J.Crew, you also probably don’t need Gucci because you’re about to play golf or jump onto your yacht or something and a handbag probably isn’t required… anyway...) 

It might look like burying yourself in work and laser focusing on your never-ending to-do list. You wind up driving yourself to levels of exhaustion that even an insomniac couldn’t relate to because you are hoping that by being exhausted, the thing you’re avoiding, ignoring, trying to repress or forget, will cease to exist.  

Bullshit. It won’t.

Whatever checking out looks like to you, don’t do it. 

Stop.

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. 

Checking out leads to: 

1) getting even further away from your goals and  living the life you want to lead and

2) the thing you’re avoiding, ignoring or supplying emotional novocaine to eventually comes around and bites you in the ass. It comes back bigger and stronger than it was before. Like when you pluck that one chin whisker, and it comes back thicker and faster.

Checking out doesn’t resolve anything. It just temporarily halts progress while you turn your head in the other direction until finally, it bulldozes you down in the middle of the street to get your attention. 

So what is the opposite of checking out?  Checking in. Showing up. Being present. 

And, yes, this will require you to be more courageous than you’ve ever had to be in your entire life. 

I’m not asking you to do something I haven’t already done. Trust me, I get how hard this is. 

But listen. If you don’t deal with what is happening now, you WILL deal with it at some point. 

If you don’t deal with your emotions, all of the “what ifs,” the “how abouts,” the “why nots” now, they will return like that zit you popped a week ago thinking that would finally get rid of the pesky thing. 

So, no time like the present, right?

Check-in with how you’re feeling. Say it out loud. Write it down. Don’t judge it or criticize it. Acknowledge it. Explore it. Treat it like a friend trying to tell you something difficult but worried about how you’ll react. Give it space to send you its message. Receive it. 

Show up for yourself how you would show up for someone you love and adore.

Leave yourself a thoughtful note, compliment yourself, reward yourself for a job well done, and forgive yourself for a mistake that’s been made. And push yourself to try something different next time. Please note: showing up is the opposite of beating yourself up. So even if you can do something a little different next time, you don’t need to crucify yourself for not doing it better the first time. Nuff said.

Be present. This one is super challenging. Be in the moment. Reduce distractions. Don’t answer texts immediately. Close unneeded browsers, take a moment to focus on your breathing. Forget about what you need to do tomorrow or one week from now. What are you doing right now? And how does what you’re doing right now feel? Does your body need anything at this moment? A glass of water, a pee break, a snack … (I recommend Nutella.) What are you grateful for? Focus on what you have right now and why it is fantastic, not on what you don’t have, or may have lost, or what you haven’t yet achieved. As Oprah says, “Because capital-A Awareness grounds you in capital-B Being.”

Whatever you do, make sure it’s healthy and keeps you intuned with you and your emotions.  Those are the exact muscles you need to strengthen to fail spectacularly. Because failure is merely learning. And we need to learn to develop and to change.

Follow me here or connect with me here or on my blog to get more on each of these six lessons on failing spectacularly.

Or, if you can’t wait for the next post, check it all out (along with the rest of my story) in my book “When I Die, Take My Panties.”