Where Did You Pick That Up?

Any nail biters reading this? 

I’m a self-confessing nail biter and I can’t tell you how many times growing up people wondered “Where did you pick that habit up?” 

Anytime anyone said that, I became super self-conscious of the fact I had this habit clearly seen as inferior in some way. (And I totally know about how many germs are under your nails and all that … don’t judge me.) 

The thing is, I was never coordinated enough to have long, sharply-filed, nails that could take your own eye out putting in my contacts. Really, my nail biting habit was saving me from having to wear a not-so-fashionable eye-patch the rest of my life. (Aaargh me matey, maybe for National Pirate’s Day that would have been pretty cool.) 

All ridiculousness (and pirates) aside, the point is, we all have several habits. A habit by definition is “a routine behavior that is repeated regularly and tends to occur subconsciously.” Some habits are harmful, some of them are helpful, and some can actually be both. 

Nail biting, bingeing ice cream when we are down, waiting until the last minute to get something super important done—not so awesome.  

Arriving fifteen minutes early to any event; taking notes at every meeting; creating backup plans for the backup plans—probably habits contributing to our success. Several of these types of habits are revered because they illustrate we are dependable, reliable, prepared, organized—and the list goes on. But instead of people lookin’ at you and thinking “Where did you pick that habit up?” like it’s a weird looking rash, people are wondering, “How did you come to be so … (fill in the blank.)” 

But there is a subtle, sneaky, less-than-ideal side to those habits that makes everyone admire you at the office. Is that backup plan to the backup plan really necessary? What’s driving it? Why do you need to take notes at the meeting if someone else is doing it and they’re going to distribute them? 

A lot of our habitual ways of doing things support our move up the ladder. Putting in long hours, showing up before and leaving after everyone else, being extra prepared for meetings, usually result in recognition by way of promotions, title changes, and/or salary increases. However, underlying all of those behaviors that may look good and lead to some really awesome things, might be a mindset that isn't serving you and will likely bring you to a screeching halt eventually. 

I’m talking about Imposter syndrome. 

Imposter Syndrome simply stated is a limiting belief mindset. While being a “perfectionist” or an “overachiever” may be your superpowers, they also can be absolutely exhausting to live.  Eventually those “superpowers” are going to suck the life out of you and your joy of living. 

And that’s where the rub is. Symptoms (beliefs, thoughts, feelings about one’s performance and behavior) of Imposter Syndrome might be useful until they’re not. Think about it: your perfectionism might have gotten you the promotion to manager, but now are you expecting that level of perfectionism for your team? If you are, how is that impacting your leadership and relationship with those you manage?

You can survive Imposter Syndrome, you can even reach pretty high peaks of performance, but you won’t always thrive under its power. On the reverse side, however, if you aren’t feeling the effects of Imposter Syndrome (some self-doubt and fear), you’re probably not playing a big enough game. 

When people work with me and dive into how Imposter Syndrome is showing up in their lives, they can be more focused on the symptoms and less on why they came by it to begin with. Symptoms of Imposter Syndrome can vary depending on the type you have. Yet, the answer on understanding how to disrupt it (when it’s no longer being useful, that is) is in understanding where it came from. 

Where did we pick Imposter Syndrome up? 

Imposter Syndrome is actually neuroscience. 

Your amygdala (the reptilian part of your brain) governs your fight, flight, or freeze response. It’s  been there forever. (No, really, think thousands of years.) It's in your DNA and it tells you whether you can eat That or That will eat you. It identifies the threat/risk and says, “WAIT! DON’T.” 

When we pair that survival function with how you were nurtured as a child, observed your parents, watched successful people, etc., then you develop your own sense of fight, flight, or freeze responses that could keep you “safe” from anything considered risk.  

So compulsively showing up to the office thirty minutes before everyone else every day might stem from your Dad checking on you to drive you to school. His tone may have seemed impatient because he had to get to work.  His impatience had absolutely nothing to do with you but as little kids we make everything our fault. To avoid feeling “that way” ever again, you show up everywhere 30 minutes early. This is a habit formed by a fearful five year old, not a choice made by a powerful leader.

Regardless of how much nature or nurture plays into the forming of that brain pattern, it's continual triggering of it and the automatic response that ends up solidifying that behavior. The originating incident creates the initial neuronal pathway which then makes the frequency of that behavior/action more natural for a person to come by. The problem: once behaviors and ideas are solidified in the ‘ole noggin’ it’s hard to correct them (but not impossible). 

The cliff notes version: Imposter Syndrome has been developed by your amygdala responding to something that happened when you were very young because you (it) felt a sense threatened. Even though that threat wasn’t real in the first place, your brain thought it was. The body sensations, your emotions, your thoughts and your mood all get retriggered each time your brain perceives the same sense of threat.

Where did your flavor of Imposter Syndrome come from? 

We each have our own unique flavor of Imposter Syndrome. (To get started on finding yours, I’ve got a quiz with your name on it.)

The people, observations, beliefs, and experiences we had during our early development have shaped the way we think and feel about ourselves and the world around us. While these all influence the type of Imposter Syndrome we have, there is often one originating incident that brands the idea of inferiority or unworthiness in our neural pathways and sets into motion some of the self doubt and limiting beliefs that influence our behaviors.

My originating incident happened when I was eight years old. I was on the playground and overlooked for my prettier friend by a boy we both liked. She was petite and blond. I was brown-haired, brown-eyed, and MUCH taller than many of my classmates. The moment he chose her, I realized I could never be petite, blond-haired and blue eyed, and a critical neuronal pathway was formed. From that point on, I would be the funny sidekick. 

For decades (and I’m not kidding, literally decades), I only ever empowered others to emerge into their greatness while I held myself back from my own. Until I finally discovered my own originating incident. Looking back, I can see how completely critical this was to my success as a coach. I mean, you kind of have to be able to empower others in order to coach people to their own success (superpower). Yet, it also held me back because I was only willing to go so far for myself. 

The only way to disrupt your Imposter Syndrome and understand how it’s both helped and hurt your journey to success is to understand your originating incident.   

To recap the finer points of Imposter Syndrome: 

The good news—you come by Imposter Syndrome honestly, there’s a reason for it, and it’s not all bad. You do want something to point out signs of danger. 

The bad news—until you identify the originating incident you will always be stuck in the same brain pattern. 

Wanna talk more about this habit of yours? Get in touch. I wanna hear all about it. (No, seriously. I totally geek out over this.) 

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Follow me here or connect with me here or on my blog to get more on Imposter Syndrome. Or enroll in the course, “What if Imposter Syndrome is Really Your Superpower?” here. Really, the most important thing is for you to take the quiz.