The Importance of Self-Care for Women Leaders: Why Putting Yourself First is Key
Repeat after me: putting myself first is key.
Now, go write it on a Post-it note and stick it on your bathroom mirror, refrigerator, bedroom closet, and car dashboard. And every time you see it, say it out loud. No, really. Keep telling yourself how important you are until you BELIEVE IT.
Truth: Women must incorporate self-care into their lives so they don’t spontaneously combust.
The lights to the match, the gasoline to the fire…
We both know that you’re likely to burn the candle at both ends as a woman leader. In today’s dynamic professional landscape, you’re continually rising to the challenge, breaking barriers, and taking on more responsibilities while balancing whatever you’ve got going on outside of the office. Balancing your leadership role with many personal responsibilities–those kids, that aging parent, your community involvement–is a lot on you mentally and physically.
Sure, it’s the modern era. Half of our workforce is women, but even while women’s presence in the workplace has shifted to that 50%, what hasn’t shifted is the societal expectation that women uphold traditional roles at home WHILE they lead with competence at work. They’re expected to do it all. With a smile on their face and a pep in their step, mind you. (Thankfully, we can now at least do it in a pair of slacks and flats.)
But certainly, this isn’t any trouble for you, right? After all, women are natural multi-taskers. (Insert eye roll.) This ridiculous assumption only adds to the pressure. Multitasking can sometimes be valuable, but constantly doing everything, being everything for everyone, at home and at work, leads to burnout. I think we can agree that if that happens, we’re no good to anyone. (Frankly, this whole business of multitasking is unhelpful. The brain isn't designed for that. The brain is not designed to do more than one thing at a time so you're fooling yourself if you think you’re actually getting anywhere by multi-tasking.)
While we wear all the hats and spin all the plates, we doubt our capabilities, downplay our strengths, and, maybe, even dodge things that might expose us as “fraud.” In other words, we have an invisible monkey on our back whispering in our ears that we aren’t good enough. That monkey’s name is Imposter Syndrome, and Imposter Syndrome, when left unchecked (and un-reframed into a superpower), can be mentally draining, not to mention keep us small. It diminishes the confidence that we need in our leadership role.
Put on your oxygen mask before it’s dire.
At some point, rubber will meet the road, and you’ll screech to a halt or skid off the side, hitting the rumble strip. Or, to use a better analogy, the cabin pressure will reach an ultimate high, and that oxygen mask will drop down. You know what they say? Put on your mask before helping someone else. And this is exactly what we have to do NOW. Not when we are about to start seeing stars because our brain hasn’t gotten enough oxygen. We need that oxygen mask post haste.
Case in point (from the real life of yours truly):
At the end of this summer, I went on vacation for two weeks for the first time in three years. All I wanted was a week at an all-inclusive—me and my BFF, eating fresh ceviche every day, getting some sun, drinking some margaritas, and laughing.
Prior to that? I WAS DONE. I was at the end of my rope. I felt myself overreacting, being on the edge, and on the verge of tears over the last month or so. No nice way to say this, but I just wanted people to EFF OFF! When I arrived in Mexico, I went to bed by 7 p.m. on my first two nights of vacation and slept for 12 hours each night. It took me two full days to relax, to feel grounded, and to feel back in alignment with who I truly am.
How did I get to be that far gone?
By not monitoring my behaviors and actions. I wasn't taking time for myself. I wasn't doing all the things I talked to other people about. (I mean, can this be any more ‘Do as I say, not as I do?’). The thing is, we will keep a promise to anybody under the sun, but the ones we make to ourselves??? HA! You know, the promise to exercise or work out today… Or to meditate… Or to eat a healthy lunch away from the computer… Whatever it is, we will let that go at the drop of a hat because we think we need to do everything for everyone.
Can we all take a moment to call bullshit on that? This whole conundrum of women trying to be all things to all people because that's how we've been raised in training and blah blah blah blah blah… This story is old, and it’s boring. Yet, it’s a story we repeat over and over again, and we’ve got to squash it like a bug. (Pick whatever one you’d get the most pleasure out of squishing.)
I was at risk of repeating all these terrible behaviors when I got back, too. It was Labor Day here in the US (a holiday), and I found myself saying: “Well, you should probably go clean up all of your emails before tomorrow.” NOPE! I did a quick 10-mile bike ride and then got out of the heat. I sat on the couch and watched Succession, ate some good food, read a book, and watched the time slowly tick by. NO NEED TO BE PRODUCTIVE (um, I was being productive by the way!).
One benefit of being my own boss is I can make my own schedule. I listened. I gave myself another day before returning. I’m rested. I looked forward to going to work on Tuesday and was excited about starting my day! So, the last thing I want is to get into that same spiral of trying to be everything to everyone. That shit has got to stop, but the only one who can end it is me. You know that saying, “You teach people how to treat you?” Well, you also teach yourself…(Mic drop.)
The benefits of putting on your oxygen mask.
Returning to this idea of the oxygen mask–when I say oxygen mask, I’m talking about self-care. And not just once in a blue moon, lunar moon, or any moon. You MUST start relating to your own self-care as SACRED. Establish regular self-care practices. Regular self-care routines can significantly reduce the stress of leadership roles.
Self-care practices will help you declutter your mind, leading to more clarity and simply giving your brain a chance to chill the *eff out. You will likely make better decisions when your mind is rested and well cared for. Ones that are rational, timely, and effective. I would also go as far as to say that you’ll make reflective decisions rather than reactive. And you’re resiliency will improve, too, because you won’t be on the edge of implosion.
All of these things are good for both work and home, but let’s focus for a moment on self-care's impact on your leadership. Leaders who prioritize their well-being often exude positivity, which can inspire and motivate their teams. If you model that taking care of yourself is critical to excellent performance, they’ll get on board.
Remember, other women look up to you to see how it’s done. I’m not saying this to add more pressure but to say if we want to lead differently and show the next generation of leadership that work-life balance is a real thing, and hustling and burnout aren’t the only way, you can be the one to show them.
Tips for integrating self-care into your life.
Now, what does self-care mean, really? It could mean meditation, regular exercise, or taking more breaks. The important thing is to determine the activities that feel like self-care to you. Not everyone wants to go all downward dog or sit quietly and ‘Om’ for fifteen minutes. So, pick the things that help you relax and feel rested and allow you to breathe.
Here are some additional tips for integrating self-care into your life.
Set boundaries. It's essential to delineate personal time from work. This may mean stepping away from email after work hours or setting specific 'family-only' times. You could turn your DNS on and your notifications off. It could also look like you saying out loud to your team (or posting in Slack or whatever) when you’ll be available and when you won’t. The important thing to note about boundaries is if you set them, keep them. If you break them, others will think they can break them, too.
Schedule “me” time. I know you’ve got no problem blocking your calendar for others, so it’s time to set a “date” with yourself. Allocate certain parts of the day or week exclusively for self-care activities that rejuvenate you. Block it off. Don’t let anyone touch that dial.
Embrace delegation. You really don’t have to do it all alone. We aren’t meant for isolation. We aren’t meant to be the lone wolf or sole survivor. And no one likes a martyr anyway. Recognize that you don't have to manage everything. Hand over some tasks to trusted team members and free up some of your capacity. You’ve got a team for a reason.
Seek support. Again, you don’t need to (and shouldn’t) do this all on your own. Tap into your company’s EAP program or go for professional counseling. Hire a coach. I know a great one. (*wink) Grab some time with friends to talk. Seeking support can provide valuable perspective and relief. Think of it as opening up the slow cooker's pressure valve and letting out a little steam.
You first, everyone else second.
It can be rewarding to be looked at as a Superwoman, but not when you’re falling apart behind the scenes. You might be super, but you’re not superhuman. None of us are. Those outward achievements should be celebrated, but they shouldn’t come at the expense of losing yourself entirely or totally burning out. If you burn out, your brilliance can’t shine. Believe me, we need your brilliance.
So, to keep your light burning bright, start incorporating self-care into your daily life. It’ll help you lead with grace, strength, and effectiveness. Self-care isn’t advisable–it's imperative. And when you show us how it’s done, you’ll inspire and support more women leaders to put themselves first, recognizing that in doing so, they become even more powerful catalysts for change.
Facials and martinis, anyone?
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