6 Things You Need to Know to Fail Spectacularly

Let me be clear: the world needs you to be as powerful as you can be. There is a whole lot of bad shit going on. Women, tapping into our own divine feminine nature, will be the ones to turn all these lemons into lemonade (preferably spiked with Tito’s Vodka). 

We do not have to be like men to succeed. We do need to take a lesson from them about confidence. More women than men suffer from “imposter syndrome” simply because we don’t have as much testosterone — the confidence hormone — that allows men to push through. 

But it is important that we learn how to push through our fears. Pushing through starts with identifying our limiting beliefs and creating something else. Only then we will be able to achieve the greatness we desire and own our beauty, our truth, and our sovereignty?

First, a story, cuz you know I can’t do anything without a good story.

In 2004, I was faced with the decision to either follow my heart to Colorado or stay in the comfort of the life I had built in D.C. 

Truth: I had fallen in love with a park ranger. He was a “man’s man”. He rode a Harley, could fix anything, and I still remember the first time we met he was wearing leather chaps and Wranglers. (I think you can agree these details are important.)

We had been having a long-distance relationship for over a year — daily phone calls, text messages, and emails along with the occasional trip to Colorado.

On one of those trips, as I was lying in his arms, I summoned the courage to tell him I loved him. His response: “I know. I can see it in your eyes.” Not the response I was hoping for but at least I told him how I felt. I had faith that he was falling for me, too — even if he didn’t say so. I mean, he was the strong silent type after all.

He had told me, in the beginning, he would never move east of the Mississippi. I had my great life in D.C. and wasn’t planning to move either. But our connection was so rare we both agreed to take it one day at a time. 

Unexpectedly, I was laid off. My man was already in Colorado, I had no job and I had always wanted to live there. It seemed like this was a sign from the Universe that it was time to move.

On the one hand, my life in D.C. was really full and wonderful both personally and professionally. Many people would have been satisfied and I was too, in most aspects. I had taken a lot of risks, including quitting my Capitol Hill job to start my own consulting firm, starting a number of successful non-profits, riding my bike hundreds of miles over several days to raise money for charity.

Honestly, I couldn’t have been happier, with one exception. I was not in the deliciously romantic, make-your-toes-curl, head-over-heels, passionately loving relationship that I’d dreamed of for a very long time.

But honestly? I was bored. I was doing the same things with the same people in the ways. What if this was finally “it” and I didn’t move because I was comfortable here and truth be told too darned scared to go for it?

I imagined myself at 90, rocking away, telling a friend about him, with regret and longing in my aged voice. 

When I suggested I move to Colorado my boyfriend freaked out. He didn’t want me to be mad at him if things didn’t work out. Although I understood, this move was for me, to take a risk and push myself way outside of my comfort zone. 

I wanted to ask myself the tough questions: What if the strength I was so proud of had me keeping walls up? What if being vulnerable enough to give your whole heart to someone and sacrificing your “you” for the possibility of a “we”  was one of the most powerful actions a person could take? That kind of a bold, courageous action could come with a surprise ending — or the whole thing could go down in flames. But I already knew the predictable future if I took no action at all. 

I talked this over with a friend — thank God for tribe, right? 

He listened. He nodded and then he looked at me with this piercing stare and said:

“Are you going to sit on the sidelines because you are afraid, or are you willing to fail spectacularly? What’s the worst that can happen? You can always come back.”  

(Curtain closes. Lights fade. This chapter of the story ends.) 

All right, so I moved to Colorado for a time. I’ve also since come back to DC. There are tons of things that happened in between and I’ve got stories for decades. But here’s the thing that I’m trying to get at right now. And listen up, ‘cause it’s important. 

When was the last time you felt like you were at the proverbial edge of a cliff, staring into the abyss, not knowing the outcome? 

You could either remain standing right where you are (comfortably hanging out) or take a leap, knowing that it could be a long free-fall down if you misjudge your ability to achieve your goals? (The kind of free fall that pulls your cheeks away from your teeth as you scream the whole way or have your bowels let loose in a shitty gravitational mess).

 But what if you make it? What if what's waiting on the other side was TOTALLY worth the risk?

 Maybe that gap between each cliff isn't really so big after all.

 Maybe there's a way of scaling that distance with less risk than you realize.

 Maybe your legs are way more capable of that jump than you know.

And, maybe, just maybe, you need a little reassurance that even if you fall, even if you fail, you can do it with style, grace, and a little bit of humor. (Always humor.) 

Here are the 6 things you need to know to fail spectacularly.

ONE: Never turn away from the hard stuff – as much as you want to. 

Force yourself to experience everything — every emotion — anger, self-pity, annoyance, sadness, and fear.  

TWO: Don’t numb yourself. Do not check out (using drugs, alcohol, shopping trips, burying yourself in your work, etc.) This will require you to be more courageous than you’ve ever had to be in your entire life. 

THREE: Create Community. When human beings are dealing with big choices, tough circumstances, etc. we usually don’t want to burden anyone else. But guess what? People love supporting their friends, family, and colleagues.

FOUR: Don’t be a victim. Instead, ask yourself: “What can I learn from this mess?”

FIVE: Never Ask Why Me? When the shit hits the fan every single human being asks, “why me?” It’s natural. So, ask it, but don’t get stuck with it because there is “no cheese down that tunnel!”

SIX: You will survive. Seriously. You will.

Follow me here or on my blog to get more on each of these six lessons on failing spectacularly.

Or, if you can’t wait for the next post, check it all out (along with the rest of my story) in my book “When I Die, Take My Panties.”