Effective Situational Leaders Say “I'm Sorry” (and These Other Three Phrases)
Situational leadership isn’t easy when you need to pay attention to the diverse body of people under your guidance while applying the right type of leadership–directive, coaching, delegating, or visionary–to the situation and keeping your eyes on the ball (of results). An effective situational leader manages to balance these three things (people, circumstances, and outcomes) because they are committed to their leadership development. ‘Development’ is the operative word here.
Oxford Dictionary says to ‘develop’ is to ‘grow or cause to grow and become more mature, advanced, or elaborate. In short form, ‘developing’ means to get better or to improve upon something. So leadership development is about becoming a better, stronger, more effective leader. You’ll notice that the word ‘perfection’ isn’t used here. This means there is room for error. There is room not to have all the answers. There is room for uncertainty. Or, how I like to see it, there’s room to be human.
Humans make the most effective situational leaders
In being human, it’s important to show up as a human and interact with your direct reports and team members as a human. So many leaders are reluctant to admit their mistakes, ask for assistance, apologize for their wrongdoings, or acknowledge their limitations. They think coming across as superhuman is more effective, but it isn’t. It’s the situational leader who appears authentic and vulnerable that actually connects more to their team and garners more respect from them in the process.
How can you be more human? Say things that a human would after a human does human things (like making mistakes, not knowing what to do next, or needing answers). Use these four phrases when appropriate:
“I was wrong.”
“I need your help.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know.”
These four phrases can nurture a stronger relationship between leaders and their reports. But why do these phrases work and when are they appropriate to use? Let’s break it down.
“I was wrong.”
Look, none of us are infallible, no matter how high up the ladder we’ve climbed, what title we bear, or what view from our office we have. We are going to make a mistake (or thousands) somewhere along the way, and it’s important to acknowledge them. Even though we have the power of authority and decision-making, it doesn’t mean we are going to get it right every time or that we always know what’s right or best.
I remember when I was running the National Student Campaign Against Hunger and Homelessness, I had three people who worked for me. There was one young guy who was brilliant, but he was stubborn. I wanted him to do things a certain way because, in the two years before he came on board, we had discovered what worked. He kept fighting my way, wanting to do it his. I gave him the grace to try. When his way would fail, I would then say, “Can you now try it my way now?”
Years later, he called me to say, “I was wrong.” In retrospect, he had realized that what I had been trying to do was give him the benefit of my experience. He was now the director of an organization, and people were coming to him, wanting to do things differently. He found himself following in my footsteps, giving them the agency to try it their way. If they were successful, he would admit that he was wrong to assume his way was the only way and that they would now have more than one approach to the same problem. If they weren’t successful, he invited them to try his methods then.
When we make mistakes, we need to own them–even if it takes us years to do it. Admitting when we’ve made an error creates more room for dialogue, learning, and growth and invites the opportunity to collaborate with our team and direct reports in an effort to find better solutions for the future.
Saying “I’m wrong” allows you not to feel like you have to be right all the time and let go of being righteous. Saying “I’m wrong” also has the power to de-escalate arguments and open up room for curiosity. Coming to the group to consider other viewpoints is exactly what empowers a team. That way, different people at different levels of their careers can offer ideas and contribute to the success of the group as a whole.
“I need your help.”
Leadership isn’t about knowing every best or right next step there is to take. None of us have the capability to make the perfect next move every time. It’s about how you harness the collective intelligence and skills of your team to find the answer(s).
Most recently, I was leading a multi-day intensive. Everyone was given homework to complete for the next day. When we gathered that morning, it was evident some had done the homework, and others hadn’t. I had new material to share but didn’t feel I could move on without folks having completed last night’s assignment. I was stuck figuring out what to do, not wanting to slow down those who were ready to move on, but not wanting to jump ahead for those who needed to get this first piece finished.
Instead of powering through and making a decision silently and in isolation, I explained to the group how I felt stuck and unsure how to proceed. I asked them for their help and input. Collectively we came up with a plan that worked for all parties. Had I not turned to the group to let them know my dilemma, we wouldn’t have gotten very far and wasted far more time.
When you say, “I need your help,” you are conveying your trust and respect for your team’s expertise, and, in doing that, you’re fostering a collaborative atmosphere that empowers your team to contribute their perspectives and insights. As they contribute their thoughts and ideas, they feel a sense of ownership and personal investment. Really what’s happening is that by asking for help, you’re encouraging innovation, creativity, and supersonic problem-solving capabilities within your team.
“I’m sorry.”
Just like no leader is perfect, no leader is going to be immune from interpersonal conflict and error that may require a sincere apology. Apologizing is fundamental to effective situational leadership. It shows you’re responsible for your actions and recognize the impact your actions take.
At this same multi-day event I mentioned above, I also found myself saying, “I’m sorry.” and I’m thankful I did. I saw a couple of people who hadn’t finished the homework the day before, writing things down as another person spoke. I asked them not to do that, believing they were trying to complete their homework instead of being present for the person who was sharing. One of the people I spoke to was irritated with my remark when I asked them to stop. When I asked a second time, they ended up leaving the room in a bit of a huff and returning a few moments later.
When there was a break in the action, that person told me they were confused. I had made it clear that as people discovered a key ‘aha’ moment for themselves that they should write that down. This is what they had been doing when I asked them to stop writing.
My error was in making the assumption they were doing their homework when really they were doing as I had instructed earlier in our time together–write down their main takeaways. I apologized to this person, admitting my error in judgment, and publicly asked them if they would accept my apology. They did, and we moved on. But what kind of energy might I have created between us or among us if I hadn’t acknowledged my mistake and apologized?
When you say, “I’m sorry,” you are showing empathy and emotional intelligence, which aids the trust and rapport you’re building with your team (individually and collectively). A sincere apology can open communication channels and paths to conflict resolution, which in turn enables your team to move forward in a collaborative and productive way.
“I don’t know.”
We don’t have all of the answers. Not even with the power of Google or living in the wake of AI.
And great leaders aren’t expected to have all the answers any more than the rest of us are. Recognizing your limitations can create a culture of intellectual humility; everyone can feel more comfortable admitting what they don’t know and looking for solutions together if they see you do it first.
Perfect example. When I was working on Capitol Hill, I worked alongside a Chief of Staff who went home every night with stacks of reading to prepare for the meeting the next day. (So did I. I read everything he did.) There was one meeting with a group of lobbyists where he responded to one of their questions with, “I don’t know. Let me find out and get back to you.”
What I found out later was that he didn’t want to answer them. He wanted to think about it and talk to our boss, the Congressman, and get back to them rather than just shooting an answer off the hip. I came to really value his ability to say, “I don’t know.” Never once did he lose the faith of the people around him because he admitted he didn’t know right then. “I don’t know” became a powerful three words for me. Observing him use this phrase and watching how others reacted gave me the permission and space to say this, too.
For those who need a lot more time to process material and information before they respond, “I don’t know” creates the space they need. “I don’t know” is also useful for those who tend to jump too quickly to react or respond. These three words provide a pause that allows time to analyze, reflect, and ponder a response and ultimately give one the person feels confident about.
Saying, “I don't know, let me get back to you,” when someone comes to you asking if you can get something done allows you to look at your schedule and truly consider the ask and how much time it might take. This is especially important for those who have responsibility high in their ClifftonStrengths and tend to say “yes” to everything. Or, when people are in the office and constantly knocking on one another’s door to get immediate feedback, being able to say, “I’m in the middle of something. Give me an hour, and I’ll get back to you,” gives you the chance to finish what you’re doing. There is no need to stop and provide an immediate response, especially if it’s not time-sensitive or urgent.
When you say, "I don't know," it establishes you value curiosity, continuous learning, and personal growth and encourages your team to step up, take initiative, and offer their knowledge and expertise in an area you could use support. “I don’t know” can be the doorway to new possibilities and innovative or alternative approaches.
Speak as humans do and step up your leadership game
To continue to awaken the great leader inside you, you have to continue to develop your leadership skills. Remembering, of course, that you are human, not superhuman, and your team will respect you more when you can show up vulnerable and authentic…you know, like them. When you can’t admit your errors or faults or feel too proud to ask for help or admit you don’t have the answers, it’s not a great color on anyone.
True leadership lies in acknowledging your fallibility, leveraging your team's expertise, taking responsibility, and embracing a culture of continuous learning. Effective situational leaders embrace these four phrases "I was wrong," "I need your help," "I'm sorry," and "I don't know," in order to create a team culture that values transparency, collaboration, and growth. Don't be afraid to say these four phrases and witness the positive impact they have on your team and on your leadership development.
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Ready to learn how to use these four simple statements? Then join me on July 18th from 4–5 pm EST for "The Empower Hour." We’ll do some roleplays so you are empowered to use these statements in your professional and personal life. Those that join live will get access to an app to help them practice for the next seven days. Remember, small, consistent actions win the race!
